The Liking Gap Explained

Erica Boothby, Gus Cooney, Gillian Sandstrom and Margaret Clark published The Liking Gap in Conversations in Psychological Science in 2018 (PubMed). Across several studies, people underestimated how much their partners liked them and enjoyed their company.

Source: Psychology Today.

We focus on our own flaws: the awkward pause, the thing we wish we had said. Our partner does not notice most of it. Meanwhile we miss the positive signals they send.

• Assume the chat went better than it felt.
• Send the friend request.
• Do not overanalyse an awkward moment.
• Give the next chat a chance.

People also underestimate how pleasant talking to strangers will be (ScienceDaily), and how much strangers want deeper conversation (Chicago Booth Review).

The researchers found the gap was not a small rounding error but a consistent pattern across settings: lab conversations between strangers, conversations at a personal development workshop, and roommate relationships tracked over months. In each, people believed their partner liked them less than the partner actually did. The roommate data are striking because the gap persisted for much of an academic year, long after a "first impression" should have faded.

Researchers point to self-focus: during and after conversations we replay our own awkward moments and miss the warm signals the other person sent. We judge ourselves on our inner experience (the nerves, the stumble) and judge others on their outward behaviour, which tends to look calmer than ours feels.

1. Send the friend request instead of assuming no.
2. Re-open conversations with people you clicked with.
3. Don't skip early just because you feel awkward; give it a minute.
4. Tell the other person you enjoyed the chat; it closes the gap for them too.

The liking gap sits alongside other well-studied errors: we underestimate how pleasant conversations with strangers will be, and how much strangers want to talk about meaningful things. All three push people toward silence, and all three are wrong more often than right. See our research review.

In the 2018 studies, the gap appeared across very different settings: brief lab conversations between strangers, adults at a personal development workshop, and first-year university roommates tracked for most of a school year (Psychology Today). The pattern was the same each time: people believed their partner liked them less, and enjoyed the conversation less, than the partner actually reported.

Researchers suggest we are busy monitoring our own performance: the pause that felt too long, the joke that didn't land, the thing we forgot to ask. Our partner, meanwhile, is doing the same thing about themselves and barely noticed our "mistakes". We also miss positive signals like smiles, follow-up questions and laughter because we are focused inward.

1. Assume good outcomes. If a chat felt "fine", it probably went well.
2. Act on interest. Send the friend request or suggest another chat.
3. Be the one who follows up. Most people wait, assuming the other person isn't interested.
4. Give compliments. If you liked chatting, say so. It helps close the gap for them too.

Kardas, Kumar and Epley found people similarly underestimate how much strangers want deeper conversation (Chicago Booth Review). Combined with the liking gap, the lesson is simple: most of us are more cautious in conversation than we need to be.

Among the university roommates studied, the gap persisted for months, slowly shrinking as people got to know each other (Psychology Today). Repeated conversations help, which is another reason to keep talking to the people you click with.

Before you skip or close a chat, rate how much you think the other person liked talking to you from 1 to 10. Then add two points. Research suggests your first guess is probably too low, and acting on the higher number, by sending a friend request or saying "this was fun", tends to pay off.

People often ask whether the liking gap means they should never trust their gut. Not quite: if someone is rude or uncomfortable, trust that. The liking gap applies to ordinary, friendly conversations, where your doubts are usually louder than reality.

First impressions feel decisive, but the liking gap suggests your partner's first impression of you is likely better than your own estimate. If you're unsure, ask for another chat; repeated conversations narrow the gap.

If you're shy, the liking gap may be wider for you: you notice your nervousness far more than your partner does. Knowing the research can make it easier to send that friend request, suggest another chat, or say "I enjoyed this", because the odds are better than they feel.